Funeral etiquette

Dress respectfully and conservatively, unless dressing for a particular cultural tradition or religion or faith. Traditionally, this means dark, neutral colours such as black, navy or dark grey. It also means choosing modest clothing like suits, dresses, or trousers with a blouse and smart shoes. Avoid casual dress like jeans, clothing with slogans, and trainers.

When a funeral notice specifies ‘no black’, it indicates that the family prefers those attending to wear colours other than black. You can opt for other dark or muted colours, or if asked to wear a specific colour or pattern, follow the family’s wishes.

Conventionally in a funeral procession, immediate family follow the hearse in a funeral car, often a limousine. Other family members and close friends form a cortege in their own vehicles.

This varies, depending upon tradition and where the service is being held. In a church, the officiant or celebrant typically enters first, and guests usually take their seats before the family do. However, at crematoriums, immediate family lead the procession and other family members and friends follow to take their seats afterwards. Then the pallbearers carrying the coffin enter before the service starts.

At a funeral, family members sit at the front and to the right side in the service venue, with friends and other mourners on the left side. There is not usually a seating plan.

Usually, at the end of a funeral service, the officiant or celebrant offers some closing words or a benediction and leaves the venue. For a burial, the pallbearers will then carry the coffin out to the grave, followed by the family and then the congregation. At a cremation, the curtain is either closed around the coffin or it is left on view for mourners to pay their last respects, and the congregation waits until the family files out after the celebrant.

People may stay behind to offer their condolences to the family or to support one another. The attendees may be invited to the burial or cremation site for the committal service, or they may be asked to join the family at a wake – for some refreshments at a local venue or a relative’s home.

It’s good etiquette to express your sympathies to the grieving family. If you don’t know them well, introduce yourself and explain your relationship to the person who has died, and share a few kind words.

Sending flowers is a traditional way to express condolences. However, it is essential to consider any cultural or religious factors. Some families request an alternative, such as donations to a charity.

Requesting money in lieu of flowers for a chosen charity is accepted as part of modern UK funeral etiquette. There is no set amount to give in someone’s memory, so pay your respects with whatever amount feels right. If you donate online, you can opt not to show the amount you have given.

It is not usual to take photos or videos at a funeral. But the deceased’s family may decide to record the event this way.

Attending the funeral can help children process their grief, and they should be welcomed unless the notice specifically mentions that they should not attend. But do consider that very young children may struggle to sit through a long service.