How to talk to your loved ones about your funeral

We all know we’re sadly not going to live forever, but still, only one in a hundred of us have an in-depth conversation about how we would like to be remembered. Yet speaking about death openly with your loved ones creates the opportunity for them to understand your preferences for your funeral arrangements – which can relieve stress for them when the time comes. We understand that finding a way to start that discussion can sometimes be difficult, so we’re sharing our tips on how to talk to your loved ones about your funeral, and what to do if they’re not ready for it, or you’re concerned they might not honour your wishes.  

The benefits of talking about your funeral in advance   

For many people, there is a natural trigger that prompts them to think about how they would like to be remembered – typically retirement, old age or illness, or at other key points when they are putting their affairs in order, for example planning their estate finances.   

For some, there never is a right time; it’s something they simply don’t want to think about. If that’s how you feel, it’s not a problem, as your executors and/or loved ones will do what they think is appropriate or what they think you would have wanted.  

However, most people underestimate the number of decisions involved in organising a funeral, so giving your loved ones some guidance beforehand can take pressure off what is already an emotional time. It can also help their wellbeing if they know that your final farewell was in line with your wishes and they have done you proud.  

How to start a difficult conversation  

As a society, we’re getting better at having the conversations that previous generations shunned, and funerals are becoming more about celebrations of life than the sombre events that they used to be.  

However, it can be difficult to find the right moment, so here are some ways for starting the conversation:  

• A casual conversation over a cup of tea – discussing your death in an informal setting can help your loved ones feel more comfortable and open to asking questions. 

• Gather your family together – if you prefer a more straightforward, direct approach, it might be better to gather your loved ones together to talk openly about funeral planning. It will make things much easier for your family when the time comes. 

• Write a letter of wishes – speaking verbally about your funeral preferences can be difficult for some, so writing them down is a way to overcome this. You can put the letter into an envelope which can be opened once you pass away.  

If you think your wishes won’t be respected  

If you fear that your loved ones won’t respect your wishes – you may suspect they will prefer to save money, or fear there may be arguments between them – appoint a third-party, independent executor (often a solicitor) solely or in conjunction with your loved ones, who can referee any disagreements among your loved ones and ensure your wishes are upheld. 

Although it can be a daunting conversation to have, it can help both you and your loved ones feel better prepared for whatever may lie ahead if you can begin talking about what type of funeral you’d like. 

If you are looking for some support in planning a funeral or would like to discuss the options available, we’d love to help you.